I wake up on the morning of Sunday, October 4 tied for first. It’s the final day of the 2009 Major League Baseball season. Kish and I have been involved in an epic battle for most of the year, the tightest race for first place in the 19 year history of the Northern California Malt Liquor League. And so it all comes down to one final day in which statistics will be counted toward our tooth-and-nail fight for rotisserie baseball supremacy. I’ve won an unprecedented 3 consecutive NCMLL championships, and so 2009 was my campaign of “Moore for Four,” but Kish has a great team and he’s been ahead for most of the year. On final day of the season, however, I’ve pulled even with him at 85 points apiece, and I’m certain he’s having nightmarish flashbacks to the previous year, when he was winning until I surged ahead on the strength of a huge September to pull off a decisive victory.
It all started back on April 11 with the 12 of us NCMLL owners gathered together for our annual draft day, this time in a rental cabin in Lake Tahoe. Sometime shortly after the crack of dawn on that Saturday, coffee is brewed, doughnuts are scarfed, and there is a chorus of cracking beer bottles (though not by me, for this is my first sober draft day) in excited anticipation of a day that is a lot like Christmas morning for fantasy baseball geeks. I, for one, am hoping to find a shiny new Albert Pujols under my tree (Albert Pujols, if you don’t know, is quite the statistical action figure, like the Boba Fett of HRs, RBI, and BA). But before any of that happens, we must engage in the torturous and seemingly interminable process of crossing off the names of players who have already been taken from the draft sheets that Bob so meticulously prepares for us every year. Bob also needs to set up the projector and mount the screen that will allow us to examine the stats of the player currently being auctioned along with other key information, like how much money each owner has spent and how many positions they have left to fill. Inevitably there will be some sort of technological problem with the projector, and Gary, or Lance, or both Gary and Lance, will launch into some tirade about how that damn projector is the worst thing to happen in the entire history of the league and is leading to its immanent doom and demise. Meanwhile, laptops have been fired up around the rest of the room, though I maintain a John Henry-ish arrogance that I don’t need no stinking machine or even Bob’s sheets because I can compete—no, dominate, actually—based purely on what’s in my head. I am wondering if sobriety will give me any sort of competitive advantage or may actually present a disadvantage, because I typically draft my team while drunk as a skunk as well as hungover from the night before. The projector is finally working, and the draft begins with the drinking of ceremonial cups of Old English malt liquor, which I am happy to be missing out on for once. I am aggressive from the get-go and nab Albert Pujols for a cool $50. It’s gonna be a good year.
Fast forward to October 4. There are several categories that need to be continuously monitored today. I am 9 RBI and 3 SB behind Kish. If I can pass him in either category, it’s a 2 point swing, but even if I just tie him it’s a 1 point swing. However, this is unlikely as 9 RBI and 3 SB is a lot for just one day. On the other hand, Bob’s Boils have gone a homerun-hitting spree this week, and now he’s 1 HR behind me and 1 HR ahead of Kish, meaning that I will lose a half point if Bob hits 1 more HR than I do today and lose a full point if Bob hits 2 more HR, and conversely Kish will gain a half point if he hits 1 more HR than Bob and a full point if he hits 2 more HR, AND since he’s only 2 HR behind me Kish could easily tie or pass me, resulting in a multi-point swing. Trust me, it’s all very dramatic, BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE, because Brad’s team has only pitched 988 innings, and our league rule says that you must pass 1000 innings otherwise you are dropped to the bottom of the standings in ERA and WHIP, and right now Brad is ahead of me but not Kish in ERA, meaning that if he doesn’t get his 1000 innings than I get an extra point in ERA. Twelve innings is a sizable amount when you don’t have 1000 for the whole season, but on this day Brad will have Tim Hudson and Ryan Dempster taking the mound. If they get hit hard there’s a chance I could pass Brad in ERA anyway, because his is only slightly better than mine to begin with, but they’re both pretty good pitchers so this is unlikely to happen. In short, not only do I need to watch my team today, I’ll need to keep my eyes glued to Kish’s team to see how many homeruns he hits, bases he steals, and runs he drives in, Bob’s team to see how many homeruns he hits, and Brad’s team to see how many innings he pitches. Oh, and one more thing: Tim’s team is just 1 pitching win behind me, so even though he doesn’t have anyone starting today I’m going to need to monitor his bullpen to make sure none of them vultures a win.
One fact you need to keep in mind about “real” baseball is that while the fate of our league hangs in the balance, this is the single least important day of the regular baseball season. All the major league teams have either been eliminated from the division and wild-card races for some time or are gearing up for the playoffs in the following week. So as I frantically flip from game to game on the MLB network, all the players seem to be lounging the dugout, chewing tobacco, scratching their nuts, looking hungover, and probably talking about where they’re going to go hunting and fishing during the off-season. COME ON PEOPLE, DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT’S AT STAKE HERE? However, in some respects this is working in my favor, as one of Kish’s best players and top homerun hitters, Troy Tulowitzki, will be rested today because the Colorado Rockies have already earned a place in the postseason. I can breathe a short sigh of relief because my third baseman, Edwin Encarnacion, has just launched a homerun in one of the early games being played on the east coast, thus providing me with a little more breathing room in that category. Unfortunately it looks like Tim Hudson and Ryan Dempster are going to pitch the standard 6 innings apiece, pushing Brad right up to the 1000 mark.
In the end, we finished just as we had started the day—tied. Riddled with anxiety, I waited until the last out, afraid that the likes of Martin Prado or Jody Gerut might pop an unexpected homerun or that Troy Tulowitzki would be summoned off the Rockies’ bench to pinch-hit like Robert Redford in a fantasy baseball version of “The Natural.” None of that came to pass, as Bob finished with 228 homeruns, Kish with 227. Although 85 points is quite a lot in our league, I can’t really say it was one of my better teams. Sure, Pujols had a monster year with a .328 BA, 47 HR, 135 RBI, and 16 SB. I almost feel guilty about the 16 SB, which is a lot more than most sluggers get. It’s kind of like having a really hot girlfriend who also happens to be bisexual and really into threesomes. No one should be that lucky. Ryan Braun also had a great year as the Robin to Pujols’ Batman, finishing at .320, 32 HR, 114 RBI, and 20 SB. This was my last year with Braun, who I drafted in the reserves when he was still a minor leaguer at the beginning of the 2007 season, and whom I had kept an eye on ever since he was drafted fourth overall out of the University of Miami. The total production of Braun’s 3 years with me: .308, 103 HR, 317 RBI, 49 SB. How much did I pay for that? A total of $18 including the reserve pick, or $1 less than what Gary paid for Christian Guzman this year.
The fact that I got 40 pitching points, on the other hand, is nothing short of miraculous. Somehow I led the league with 90 wins despite the fact that my ace Jake Peavy, who I shelled out $39 for, missed half the season due to injury, leaving me with Javier Vazquez and Colorado Rockies re-tread Jorge de la Rosa as my winningest pitchers. Jonathan Broxton had a solid year as the Dodgers’ closer, and Kevin Gregg’s whiteness ensured that Lou Piniella went to him rather than Carlos Marmol in the 9th inning for most of the year, despite a 4.72 ERA. Clayton Kershaw turned in a decent year, Johnny Cueto was good until the all-star break, and Franklin Morales saved some games down the stretch. Beyond that, there was nothing but filler: Bob Howry, Aaron Heilman, James McDonald, Yusmeiro Petit, Scott Eyre, Freddy Garcia, Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano, Tim Stauffer….One of the season’s biggest disappointments was watching rookie Jordan Zimmermann go down with an injury that will keep him out for most of next year after he started out looking like a keeper.
As far as my hitting, when you look around the rest of the infield you see a lot of disappointments, busts, and sub-par performances. If any one of these guys had put up just a fraction of the numbers they posted in previous seasons, I would have won easily. Second baseman Rickie Weeks looked like he was finally on the way to fulfilling his enormous potential when he suffered a broken hand in May and missed the rest of the year. I forked out $31 for shortstop Rafael Furcal with the idea that he, along with Weeks, would be my primary base stealer, but he turned in a thoroughly mediocre season that included a measly 12 SB. His heroic homerun on the final day of the season notwithstanding, third baseman Edwin Encarnacion was on the disabled list for much of the year and sucked ass when he wasn’t. I get manage to get some solid production from my low-priced alternatives, however. I was shocked to get Nick Johnson for $1 and even more shocked when he was healthy for almost an entire year after suffering an assortment of leg, thumb, knee, wrist, hand, cheek (yes, cheek), and back injuries in previous seasons. Luis Castillo turned in a solid .303 BA and 20 SB for $1. I got Everth Cabrera in the reserves and he picked up 24 SB in half a season with the Padres despite having never played above A ball before this year. Chad Tracy, Jeff Keppinger, and Ryan Roberts…not really worth discussing. In the outfield, Andre Ethier turned in 31 HR and 106 RBI and I’m pleased to say he’ll be returning to my squad next year for $15. Early season concerns about Josh Willingham’s playing time allowed to him slip into the reserves, where I picked him up and he delivered 24 HR. I had my sights set on Dexter Fowler beginning in spring training, and after picking him up for $3 he delivered 27 SB and displayed a little pop that should increase as he matures while playing in the league’s best hitter’s park. As for the rest of my outfield, Brandon Moss was a disappointment, Brett Carroll isn’t worth mentioning, and Austin Kearns is officially dead to me. Behind the plate, big fat Bengie Molina turned in a solid season but I paid a hefty price of $17 for it. The more disturbing case is Chris Snyder. In 2008, he hit 16 HR and 64 RBI for me despite missing part of the year with. . . ahem, a “testicular fracture.” How do you even fracture a testicle, much less hit 16 HR after doing it, much less PLAY A POSITION THAT REQUIRES YOU TO SQUAT WITH EVERY PITCH after FRACTURING A TESTICLE? Coming into this season, for all I knew, this guy was MADE OF TESTICLES. Impressed beyond belief, I signed him to a 2 year contract at a price of $8. What happened this year? He missed almost the whole year with an injury. What type of injury, you ask? He hurt his lower back, and now he has to have back surgery that he will probably hamper him next year as well. Dude, you played with a testicular fracture but a bad back is gonna sideline you for like two years? Finally, I must mention J.R. Towles. He spent almost the whole year in the minors, and then in September the Astros recalled him and gave him some regular at-bats as their catcher. Since Synder was injured I had to put him in, and he was absolutely killing me with a sub-.200 BA. But somehow, miraculously, in the last week of the season, Wednesday, September 30 to be exact, with only 6 HITS to his name for THE ENTIRE SEASON, J.R. Towles stood up and popped not one but TWO HOMERUNS, including one off the legendary Pedro Martinez. Without those 2 HR I would have finished in second, so thank you J.R. Towles, hopefully I’ll remember to give you an extra tip if you bag my groceries, deliver my pizza, or change my oil someday.
The thing I’m probably most disappointed about from this year, however, is my choice of names. As part of my annual attempt to put a satirical slant on some current event, I went with The Fonzi Scheme in light of this year’s financial scandals. Unfortunately it’s just not in the same class as my previous teams like Spitzer Swallows, The Urge to Surge, The War on Christmas, The Caminiti Crackwhores, Condi's Cunthairs, and The Vatican Sodomizers. I vow to try harder next year.
Let’s take a look at the other teams and how they fared:
Kish (I Want Some Troubled Average Rejected Players [TARP]): Well-balanced and outstanding. Phenomenal years from Hanley Ramirez and Troy Tulowitzki along with solid contributions from Adam Dunn, Shane Victorino, and Jorge Cantu. The fucker outbid me for Justin Upton on draft day and he had breakout season, while I turned around and spent my money on the dreaded Austin Kearns. And who the hell knew Martin Prado could hit? The only true disappointment was one of my longtime prospects, Chris B. Young. Kish also put together one of the best pitching staffs in recent memory, headed up by Tim Lincecum, who he picked up in the reserves the same year I got Ryan Braun, and excellent years from Jair Jurrjens, Wandy Rodriguez, and even Ross Ohlendorf. Brian Wilson quit the Beach Boys, got a terrible haircut, found Jesus, and turned into a solid closer for the Giants. I hear Kish had the chance to trade his prized prospect Tommy Hanson for a solid closer in Francisco Cordero, and if he had pulled the trigger he would have won, but Hanson had a solid rookie season and looks like a great keeper for two years, so who’s to say?
Tim (Kumar’s Suicide Trip to the White House): Kudos to the Lum Drum for working his way into a solid third place finish this year. Monster years from Prince Fielder and Mark Reynolds, the latter of which was a steal at $14. Miguel Tejada, Clint Barmes, and Ryan Theriot also made big contributions. If it hadn’t been for a major injury to Carlos Beltran he certainly would have topped 70 points. In terms of pitching, the Lum Drum has come a long way from 2006, when he set an unbreakable record for fewest saves with 0. This year he was tied with me for the most number of pitching points with 40 thanks to Chris Carpenter, Ted Lilly, and an early season trade for Joe Blanton. Trevor Hoffman just keeps getting people out and saving games despite the fact that he couldn’t throw his fastball through a plate of glass at his advanced age. Worst pick: $24 for the psychotic Milton Bradley.
Matt (The Fancy Pageant Pseudo Authors, which was changed several times over the course of the season in keeping with Sarah Palin’s various exploits): Two years into our league, Matt has finished in fourth place both years, and that’s nothing to sneeze at. His offense was just mediocre, but with Andrew McCutcheon, Garrett Jones, and Jonny Gomes it’s looking like he’s got some solid low-budget keepers for next year. He also took an effective gamble by drafting Cliff Lee in the hopes that he’d be traded to the National League, which he was, and now in all likelihood he’s got him cheap for the next two years. J.A. Happ and Randy Wells also look like good keepers. I look for big things from Matt next year. Worst pick: re-signing Geovany Soto for $20.
Brad (He Quit Me, formerly known as He Stimulate Me until Brad decided to quit, I guess): Good power numbers on offense led by Chase Utley and Derek Lee, but speed kills as Gary likes to say, and Brad finished in last place in stolen bases. Led the league in saves with a rejuvenated Rafael Soriano leading the way (it’s only fair that he FINALLY got something out of that two-year, $21 contract). But as the problems getting to 1000 innings attest, there just wasn’t nearly enough starting pitching there. In fact, Brad finished with a paltry 45 wins, 15 wins below the second-to-last place finisher. Worst pick: Fred Lewis for $19. Giant fan probably thought he was the second coming of Willie “E.T.” McGee. Paying $35 for Rich Harden to get worked on in the training room probably wasn’t a good idea either.
Steve (Tent City Terrorists): One of these years Steve has got to make it back into the money so he can stop talking about his glory year of 1993, when Gregg Jeffries and a rookie named Mike Piazza powered him to his one and only championship. To be fair, this year’s team was decimated with injuries: $54 ended being wasted on Jose Reyes, Alfonso Soriano didn’t even earn half of his $46 salary, Johan Santana won 4 games after he traded for him and then was shut down for the rest of the season, Carlos Zambrano pitched more like Victor Zambrano, and then there was that whole thing where Man-Ram got suspended for 50 games and wasn’t the same afterwards. On the plus side, there is reason for hope next year. Roto stud Matt Kemp has one more year left on his $9 contract, as does Chad Billingsley for $7, and as long as Matt Holiday is still in the NL Steve can keep him for $6. Worst pick: you can’t really blame him for all the injuries to those other players, but Carlos Zambrano is just not a $37 pitcher.
Raj (Somali Concussions, originally Somali Pirates): It seems like every year Raj makes some late season trades to rebuild for the following season, and then he finishes right around where he did this year, tied for 6th. His team was consistently below average in all respects this season. Jayson Werth had a great year, but David Wright must have gone off steroids or something because his power was totally M.I.A. I have nothing to say about his pitching. Once again, he’s looking good for next year, with Werth and Ryan Ludwick signed to low-cost contracts and the potential to go long-term on Ryan Franklin. Look for him to have 6th place all to himself next year. Worst pick: $21 for Jason Motte. He sure looked good in spring training.
Lance (I can’t remember what his team was originally called, by the end of the year he was just listed as LP): It wasn’t pretty, but he still finished ahead of Bob and Gary. For some reason it seems appropriate that Lance wound up with Kung Fu Panda Pablo Sandoval. He also got an incredible 61 steals from Michael Bourn, and he assembled a decent pitching rotation with a strong year from Dan Haren and surprising contributions from Joel Pineiro and Jason Marquis. Unfortunately, things don’t look good coming into next year, as he will be saddled with one more year of ill-conceived long-term contracts with Redneck Aaron Rowand and Khalil “Friend of God” Greene. Worst pick: Brandon Webb got hurt in his first start of the season but Lance still shelled out $40 to get him, only to find the letters DL permanently attached to his name for the rest of the year. Paying $40 for Carlos Delgado’s 4 homeruns didn’t work out too well either.
Bob (Bob’s Boils, of course): Even the statistical odds would suggest that Bob will get lucky and at least finish in the money one of these years. We’re still waiting for that to happen. Let’s skip what went right and go straight to what went wrong. Fourteen and a half pitching points, that’s went wrong. To accomplish that sort of thing you’re going to need 155 terrible innings from Chris Volstad to go with sub-par performances from Derek Lowe and Roy Oswalt. The Boils were actually an offensive force to be reckoned with thanks to Ryan Zimmerman, Joey Votto, and Dan Uggla. How’s it look for next year? Votto and Josh Johnson are a good foundation. Worst picks: $24 for a horrible year from Garrett Atkins, followed by $27 for a mediocre year from Corey Hart.
Brian (Oops, I Lost Again): Not much went right with the exception of the prophetic team name. As you would expect, Ryan Howard turned in huge power numbers. Nyjer Morgan also became a big-time base thief, and Ubaldo Jimenez established himself as a solid starter. Unfortunately Brian didn’t have the roster depth to compensate for his many injuries to key players like Aramis Ramirez, Conor Jackson, and John Maine or sub-par performances from Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge. Worst pick: $25 for Conor Jackson wasn’t bad on draft day, but what happened to this guy? He contracted something called “Valley Fever”? Is that some sort of STD you get from a Valley Girl? Seriously, what the hell is that, and why did it keep him on the DL for the whole damn year?
Gary (Deserving the Crappy Place in the Standings, can’t remember the original team name): First off all Gary gets a big demerit for being yet another owner to change his team name in the middle of the season. I am completely opposed to this new trend. The name is appropriate, however, insofar as Gary can’t really blame his poor finish on injuries in the same way that Steve or Brian can. His team was abysmal in every category except saves. Gary made a great number of trades and claims to be rebuilding for next year, so let’s see what he’s got. Offensively, Cody Ross will return for a cheap $9 after a very good season, and Carlos Gonzalez has turned into a nice player who can be kept for $6. I think it would be mistake to keep either Colby Rasmus or Cameron Maybin for $12, so hopefully their major league teams will start them in the minors, where they belong, so Gary can’t give in to his temptation to re-sign them. Pitching-wise, Carlos Marmol and Leo Nunez aren’t great but they’ll be worth resigning if they begin the year as closers. Due to a stunning inability to learn from his past mistakes, it’s a safe bet that if Gary resigned John Lannan for $6 this year, it probably means he’ll sign Zach Duke for $7 next year. And I’m certain that Homer Bailey and Mat Latos have already been guaranteed a place as long as they win spots in their rotations of their respective teams. In short, he’ll probably keep a lot of players, but things don’t look good. Worst pick: Russell Martin at $23 narrowly edges out the aforementioned Christian Guzman.
Shawn (1000 Innings or Bust): By the time I finish writing this paragraph I will have given more thought to Shawn’s team than Shawn did all season. Lest you be fooled by the team name, Shawn was the only owner not to reach 1000 innings this year—again. What is likely to have been a Cy Young performance from Adam Wainwright has therefore gone to waste. Offensively, his team wasn’t bad, with Carlos Lee, Jimmy Rollins, Raul Ibanez, Lance Berkman, and even some surprising contributions from Juan Uribe and Seth Smith. With pitching, there was no full-time closer but he did corner the market on 40-something left-handers with the not-so-dynamic duo of Randy Johnson and Jaime Moyer. Worst pick: Garrett Anderson for $20? Kaz Matsui for $17? Dave Bush for $14? So many to choose from.
Well, that’s that for 2009. Hope this helps you survive those cold, stat-less winter nights.
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